THE STAR

 I never taught that one day I would be go through something like this in my life. I was so happy to know that Im gonna have a little star but at the same time I feel scared because I dont see the star. I know that it was not normal when I dont see anything in my stomach when it was already 7 weeks. 

and then,, there was a day, A day that I would mever forget, A day that I was bleeding so much and my mind just blank, I just dont know what to do. I'm just scared so much... I start to break down. We going straight to the clinic and the doctor said it was fine, dont worry too much but yet not telling me the exactly what happen in my stocmach. We going start to Hospital for emergency case, and I still remember the people at the counter said 'miscarriage', but yet they didnt tell us, they just said to each other and it making me more scared.. They told us to go the Dewan Bersalin, which is my emergency is not a light case. The moment I step it Dewan Bersalin without him. I felt more nervous, more anxious, more scary and everything. I keep myself being positive first, said to myself that everything gonna be alright but.. the moment I enter the room and meet the doctor... I was bleeding non stop.. the doctor did something to me without explaning anything, just making me more worried. I just want to know that my star was alright. But.. all I heard was the doctor said, 'the star is already out', to the nurse. Which is means, I am miscarriage. Without futher explanation, the doctor just said to me by hospital language that I dont even understand the meaning.. and.. when everything its done, I suddenly break down and my tears couldnt stop from going down. I'm crying like crazy knowing that I lost the star, I lost everything in my life. I just thinking if he okay out there.. without me. It hurt me a lots, I never felt something like this in my life and, I never taught that it would be like this. I have to stay in the room for about 2 hours, and the moment I step into the room and the nurse ask me if I was okay or not, I break down instantly and the nurse hug me and saying that everything gonna be okay, the star will guide me to the heaven. I know that everything gonna be okay but I cant control my feeling. It just hurt me so bad knowing that everything is my fault. I should take care my star. 

and then I'm just laying to my bed for about 1 hour and a half until the doctor called me, he check me one more time and yet he still didnt tell me anything, he just said that I have to eat the mecidine.. I just want to get out of here faster, I just want to go to him. When I get to get out, I go to him and that was the time when I cant control what I feel. I instantly break down, knowing that the star is gone. That was the start of my depressive life. I'm crying, and then I'm sleeping, crying and then sleeping. Everything feel like unreal to me, I still cant believe that I just lost something.. 

I feel so sick that day, I feel like I'm going crazy, I feel like the world is end for me. But luckily I was not alone this time. It just that I miss my parent so much. The reason that I can get through this because I have him by my side, we both know that we are not okay mentally and physically. But still he help me with a lots of thing even when I know he is not okay. I start to think of him now that was the reason for me to keep going forward. I have to live for him. I have to be there for him. That was the reason why we are married.