EMPTY

 Hi, here I am. Back to the zero. Back to the old me. I don't know why but I kinda feel want to be alone back. I want myself to be happy but not because of people but because of myself. Whenever I'm back home, I always feel like the worst. I just feel tired and empty, maybe because I want to change myself so much. I just want myself back so much. I miss myself when I only have myself. But now I have someone, I knew that even when I try to be happy, I just can't because I know I will be heartbroken because of the person. I try to avoid and ignore everything that gonna make me feel pain but that avoid was hurtful for me and I really hate it. I just dont want to be a part of the pain. I know if I keep on ignore it, it just gonna make me unhappy. That's why now I feel so unsure about my future, I dont know if this was the right thing for me to do or not. I wish I know the answer. 

But you know what? I believe in myself. I believe that one day I can be happy because of myself. I gonna make myself happy without anyone. I just dont want myself to be unhappy anymore. I just dont want to care about people feeling anymore, I just want to priotize myself first. And I wish someone would said to me that it is okay to put yourself first and it is okay to not care about people feeling. Maybe I am just tired now, tired of everything. I know I'm selfish for this but that just what I have to do. Being with someone like me is hard but being with someone that couldnt accept the way I am is more harder for me. 

I just want to stop making someone miserable because of myself. It was wonderful and dreamy when I first met the person, but now it doesnt feel the same anymore. Everything just change and I know its wrong. I just dont want it to be more worst. I dont feel like there is a change in ourself and it wasnt supposed to be like that. It was so so wrong. At least, we both should try but I just dont feel that trying. There is no effort or trying in both of ourself which is make me fear more about our future. 

I wonder what is the answer for me or us. I wonder what if our future. I just tired of this things now.