NORMALLY

 I actually didnt want to write anything here again but here I am. I think I should write it since my mind is just so so full of things and day by day its getting hurt. My head spinning like crazy all day non stop. Not to mention that my habit is back again, it just getting worst day by day and I dont what is wrong with me. I just feel so so damn tired.. no words can describe how tired I am everyday. I am having real mental breakdown. I dont know but maybe someone is forgetting that he was in love with a girl that have depression. It doesnt go away that easy. Its hard for me to handle this everyday.. Its hard to not having mental breakdown day by day. Its also hard to pretending to be okay everyday. Its hard to fake myself to be cheerful, to cheer people up.. My energy is draining, it was so so hard to go through this nowadays.. My mental is being not okay. 

I actually do realize that I need someone but.. if he helps me, who wants to help him? I have to help him, I help to cheer him up, I have to make his happy, I have to make his okay being with me but... it doesnt turn out like I imagine it would be. I taught that if I being able to have a topic to talk to him, to always update on what I do, to always company him, be there for him when he has a hard time.. Let he do what he likes to do or let him have a good rest.. I taught if I did all of that, he would be happy because I tried my best. But I guess it doesnt enough.. Maybe I only make everything more worst or maybe I should not be there disturbing him.. I just cant do anything.. Everything goes wrong way. I dont know what should I do to make someone I love feel happy to be with me.. 

I feel like my mental is not strong, my limit has gone beyond out of my mind. I dont have any good rest until now. Maybe I should focus on myself more.. so that he have his own space.. I should be more and more energy so that everything.. goes well.. I think so...

Is this how love actually feels? Did calling someone that you love make you feel unhappy? I dont know but it seems like that.. It was actually weird because the reality and expectation are so different now. I wonder is this how it was supposed to be? Is this how couples supposed to be like? I want an answer for this.. I am so desprate to know what is the truth and fake.. I wish I can shout right now.. I just feel so stress, I had being thinking about a lots of things nowdays.