THE TRUTH

 Actually today was the most pain that I ever feel. I think this was my punishment for being too happy. He may dont know this but I talk about him to everyone everyday especially to my mom. I literally talk about him to everyone, like how he like to eat spicy things, how he likes to eat that things, how he likes to watch drama and many more.. I feel happy everytime I talk about him to everyone because he is perfect in my eyes everyday. But... little did I know that the truth is.. he was not that happy with me.. He doing everything because of me forcing him to do it.. I feel like I am controlling him.. It feels like a rule suddenly.. A rule for him to play games with me everytime he go back home.. Actually I am okay with playing games alone but doing that might upset him so I choose not to play games... 

The different is he is working and I am not.. He actually never ask how my day today.. Am I okay or not today.. To tell the truth I am not okay at all.. I feel useless, helpless.. because I've got nothing to do.. Thats why I am making myself busy with cooking, baking, going out.. and actually I have a lots of part times work to do. I feel so so stress out but it feels weird right? I never let it out to him and I am actually keeping everything in myself.. I am suffering.. He may forget about this but I have a sickness.. I have depression.. I can't really tell him everything that I feel because I dont want him to be worried.. He is someone who really want attention from me, I can't reply him late because he would feel upset.. So I literally bring my phone everywhere so I can reply him faster.. Sometimes Im in my bed, sometimes in the kitchen, sometimes at the living room.. I bring my phone everywhere next to me so I can reply him faster.. At the night, sometimes I need to do my part time work and also cooks for my siblings.. so I done everythings really fast so I can be ready whenever he want to play games with me.. I made a time for him to spend with me but I dont know that... it was a wrong things for me to do.. 

I should be more pay attention.. maybe I am stupid in relationship... yup, I am. I should keep myself a bit. I should not be too happy.. because someone I love might be upset.. I forgot that I should be silent and have a common sense sometimes.. hmmm I actually have no comment because I know that I have a lots of weakness and not everyone can accept my flaws.. If someone I love can't accept my flaws then.. I should know I am wrong.. I dont know why but I start to hate myself lately.. Like why I am like that? 

Guess I am not a good partner.. not a good listener... not a good place for someone to comfort theirself.. Glad that I know everything now.. at least I know that I should stop being like that because he would hate me..

Last but not least, I dont know... what I should be right now..