DEVIL ME

I feel like day by day, I'm getting worse. I'm so bad nowadays because I never change myself when I think I am. I thought that I was getting better and better but the truth is, no. I'm still being bad like the old me and now I can see why people left me because I have so many flaws. It's weird because I think I am being the best person ever for someone but the reality just hit me hard. I don't want to believe it but they are just so many proof that I am not that great. I think it's a great things that some people left me because they deserve more better person than me. I always said that people never change but I am too.. I also didn't change anything. I am being rude, selfish, so many redflag that I could get. I am someone that many people used to hate for no reason but now the reason was there to hate. I should just didnt exist in anyone life and I dont think I deserve anything. I just hate myself right now. I hate that I can't escape the past. I hate that I am tramp in this darkness forever.

Actually lately, I feel like many things has change, I dont know why I feel that. I just want to be normal. I want to be someone that no one would never step on it. My heart just hurt a lots and it keep on hurting.. 

I feel like I shouldnt live if I keep on hurting the person that I loved, why am I so stupid.. I am so trauma right now, I wish I can turn back times, I wish all the people that I dont want doesnt exist in my place for the first time.. I dont want this sickness, I dont want this anxiety, I dont want this depression.. I hate all of this, I hate that I had to gone through this painful sickness, I just hate everything now.. I think,, I should be alone... so no ome would feel hurt, right? 

I think I am a bad person, a bad partner, a red flag person.. real red flag.. 

To DeadRose, 

I'm sorry because you have to meet someone bad, someone stupid, someone crazy, someone that has many sickness, someone who fragile, someone that have so many red flag.. I feel pity for you because you met someone like that. I wish you have choosen someone 10000x better than me, because you deserve happiness all the time. You dont deserve this pain from someone that is stupid.. Just call her stupid. She deserve it. Punish her all you want because she deserve to feel the pain, she deserve to feel the trauma, she deserve to be unhappy.. she deserve to be alone too.. just punish her because she knew she deserve all of that... She dont even deserve to be happy everyday, all the time because she is useless.. I think she would understand you if one day you left her, because thats the reason why people hate her. And you can hate her too.. She may be stupid but she can accept everything quickly because she knew how bad herself is.. 

I think this already happen many times, maybe it is the time for me to be realistic... I should stop dreaming right now because I dont deserve happiness from anyone. 

'When the rain comes down, Remember that it wont go away'