24 YEARS OLD LIFE

In the end, it turns out to be the same again.. here I am in the darkest alone. I wonder why my life is going back like before. Did someone just wish me to be dead? did someone just hope that I won't feel happy? did someone just don't like me? or maybe I don't deserve this life, I don't deserve this happiness, I don't deserve everything. I suddenly remember myself, crying alone in the dark room, try to hurt myself like the past me..

You know what? I love that guy so much, I love him more than I love myself and I want to protect him with all of my heart till the end. I don't want to lose him, I love him so much,, damn much.. but I can't escape my life.. I can't even stop crying until now and I'm going crazy.. my head can't stop spinning and my heart hurt a lots.. This depression is killing me and myself. Because of me, innocent people get hurt, the people I love get hurt.. Because of me, everything turns out to be hell and because of me, their life is a mess and unhappy.. Just why people like me do exist in this world? and for what?

The more hurtful for me was being okay when I'm not.. I keep on trying to be okay but the more I try, the more it feel hurt, it hurt me a lots and nothin made me happy... I just want to forget everything, I just want everything back to normal... I want the happy him and the happy us..  I want my happy relationship back.. and I need him a lots right now. I can't live without him.. I just can't think anythin right now.. I just want to made him happy first... I never love someone this deeply, never love someone this big, never fell in love this harder.. Never feel this wonderful, Never feel this happy in my life because of someone.. He made my life much better, much happier, much more colorful and I could be happy just with him..

I'm crying obviously and my sister notice it, she ask me 'why I'm crying' and I told her everything and she said that she understand my pain because she also go through the same as me.. Now I know my sister and I was depression over the same things. It is really stressful for both of us and we just waiting for the time.. For the time to be free and do what we love to do without being control.. She hug me and I can't stop crying because it was so hurt for me.. I couldnt stop remembering the past.. Remembering all the past pain and what have I been gone through this 24 years.. My childhood was disaster, my highschool was a mess, my collage life was painful and nothing made me happy. No friend, Toxic people everywhere, Overprotective parents, Stressful life and... here me carry everything when I was a child and till today.. I wish everything is just a dream.. I wish that my mind would stop, my eyes wont open until forever.. I am tired of living this life.. I am just so tired.. I am.. mentality tired of this shit.. I want to stop this.. I feel like want to vomit.. My head damn hurt... It doesnt stop spinning and its killing me.. my eyes start to hurt a lots, It won't stop crying... 

How I wish to be dissapear right now... I want to be gone.. I hate my life right now.. I hate everything.. I hate myself right now.. Nothing really go like the way I want.. 

Last but not least, thank you for everyone that pray for my downfall cuz they all did it.. I am suffering and everyone happy.. Don't worry because I will keep on suffering and made everyone more happy.. Bye.. I'm happy that people happy.. and they did it.. They finally get to see my life in the bottom.. Everyone was waiting for it.. Thank you.. I finally get to taste a painful life again after a long time.. After I finally get to be happy for a while, it always come back again.. I dont deserve anyone.. I deserve this life because I am a bad person and always be bad...