Last..

I feel like I lost my world today.. I feel like I lost everything.. I feel like I should die because I ruined someone good life.. If only I didn't exist in this world, maybe all of this wouldn't happen, maybe someone wouldn't feel all of this pain.. Why I exist and create all of this pain.. Why I am even breathing right now.. I don't deserve this happy life and I know that very well. Maybe there is a reason why all of my relationship was failed.. I actually have a lots of thing to tell and share today but.. I forgot that I couldn't do like what I always do because right now, I only have myself.. 

Today.. I made a lots of effort dressing up because I want to take a lots of good picture, so I could make him happy with looking at my picture.. thats why I wear something pretty, I'm looking forward for him to said that I am pretty today but its all messed up.. I want to tell him that today I buy cute sticker like always and buy socks again because all that things was so cute and I go to Local Beauty shop today! and I buy a lots of good stuff.. a cute eyeshadow, a good foundation, a cute brush and many more.. If only I could share to him what I did today.. and I wear heels today for a long time.. my feet hurt as heel, it hurt a lots and I endure it for a long time.. 

Knowing that I couldnt share all the smallest things today, has made me feel lonely,, I feel alone, I feel like my world was dark today.. I could feel the old me was coming back slowly.. I forgot that whenever I feel happy, the next day gonna be a bad day for me.. I forgot that I dont deserve happiness, How can I forgot that fact.. I am denying that fact for a long time but that fact was always true.. It's sad that I couldnt tell anyone what I feel and I have to keep it with myself like I always do. I'm used to it now. Now that it happens again, I feel like lifeless.. I feel like I lost myself in a seconds.. I feel like the pain doesnt go away and it keeps coming.. Just why people keep come and go.. Just why I dont deserve to be happy like other people does,, Just where is the promise that we made together.. I know that I'm not okay but I have to be okay.. This is what I deserve and I have to accept all of this..

It was so damn hard for me to pretend like I'm okay infront of my parents.. I act like I am so happy when deep inside I am so strungle right now.. I feel hopeless and no one come to help me, I am drowning right now.. All I can think is just disssapear. I want to dissapear, I want to be gone right now.. I want to scream, I want to jump from the rofttop, I want to stop this pain.. I want to die in a honest way... Why in the earth am I even exist? 

I just want to say that I am sorry,, deeply sorry for all things that happen.. There is no day that I feel regret whenever I spend time with you.. I just want you to know that I loved you so so much and thank you for everything.. I'm apperciated all of your effort and I always pray that you will be happy one day without me, Love you always💗