AM I OKAY

 Lately I think I'm doing okay because I have someone that I am so afraid to lose now.. The taught of leaving him would always make me feel sad. I always did my best everyday,, whenever I think of him, I would feel happy. He make me forget everything about my pain and he was so different from other boys out there. I actually really good at being disappear but I'm afraid right now..

Actually,, I feel so mad at myself. Recently I found out something that hurt me and it hurt me so well.. The taught of knowing someone was so happy after what they did to me, is insane because all I want is for them to know what they has made me feel.. They turn me to be a monster, they made me want to die so badly, they made me suffer, they give so much pain in my heart but knowing that they doing okay and happy right now is making me crazy.. How can someone be happy after hurting someone heart? I actually feel so mad at myself.. I want to take a revenge but I know it would only made me hurt more.. I want to be happy,, I want too.. but the pain that they gave was just so hard for me to forget.. They are the one who hurt me, but why am I the one who suffer?

And.. why would he see this version of me.. I hate myself for having this kind of pain,, I wish I never had,, I wish I can turn back time so I wouldn't be so stupid. I want the cheerful me..