NEVER ENDING TRAUMA

I actually feel quiet sad today, because.. I feel tired, I feel lonely and also I having a bad mood. I don't know how to explain this but I am overthinking again and my overthinking is getting worst day by day, maybe because I feel so scared. It actually hurts me, when someone suddenly disappear without telling me anything but yet, I hate myself for trying to understand that things in a positive way. I feel so upset with myself because not being able to tell people how I truthly feel right now. The more I ignore it, the more it feels hurt and I hate that this small things hurt me.. I don't want to think about it but I can't do that.. I don't know what should I do right now.. should I just disappear so it won't feel hurt?

I think my mind gonna explode soon because of thinking, maybe I should just pretend like I'm okay.. damn.. I hate myself right now.. I feel like everything I do gonna hurt me.. I'm so afraid right now... so so afraid that I would lost myself again for this time. I'm so afraid to go through this reality.. it just hurt me in any way it is.. I feel like no one would ever want to listen to me... Not only them, but I also want to forget everything, I wish I could just forget it like nothing happen but I can't control my heart and my mind.. To forget everything that happen and pretending like I'm fine is just.. too burden for me.. I just couldn't do that because this is my sickness.. there is no mecidic for this..

I want to be happy, I wish to be happy.. but I know it is impossible for me.. because I don't deserve to be happy like anyone else.. I think I am so different, I miss the happy me so much.. At the age of 18, I should be like other kids, I should enjoy and have fun in my life but.. how can at the age of 18, I fall into depression and sadness to fast.. just why that happen to the 18 years old me and now that I am 23 years old, nothing really change.. I fall back down to the 18 years old me.. Just why I keep on meeting a wrong person in my life, just why I keep on meeting a bad person too..

I don't blame anyone, I blame myself a lots for being to naive and stupid towards people, for trusting people so easily.. I don't hold any grudge towards anyone but I hope that karma is truth.. I lost myself many times because of evil people.. My only strunggle that they know, they turn that into a weakness to againts me.. because they know I am weak and I am stupid... 

If.. one day, I may not be here.. I hope that they know, they are my nightmare everynight and they are the reason why I lost myself.. They should be regret for what they have done and they should know what they did was a bad things that could make someone lost their happy life.. 

I'm okay.. I am.. really okay.. I believe that world is fair enough to me.. I will be success, I will show and reveal the people that pretend victim just to make me looks bad, I will fight for that