MENTAL STIGMA

Hye, I suddenly feel want to wrote something because I don't have anyone to talk too. I have always been alone all the time and now being alone quiet okay for me. I'm doing well because I'm alive until now. Maybe some of my cells has been dead already like how Yumi's cell is. I think my appetite's cell and love's cell has gone now. My love's cell is in coma, and someone might kill my appetite's cell. Maybe only my stress and depression cell is alive in my mind now. My life is getting more and more harder now because I lost many chance in my life.

I want to study but I lost the opportunity to do that, it's quiet complicated. And now I'm looking for better job first but I'm afraid that it hard for me to countinue my study. Everyday I'm having stress and depress. I need someone but I'm afraid of many things. Afraid that people would leave me again. No one ever stay in my life until now. I know very well that I'm getting worst. I don't eat anything because I don't feel like want to eat. Selalu nak muntah lepas makan something. I think I get used to live like that.

I'm doing what I love to do but like always, I have a strict parents. I can't never do what I like. I'm trap in my own space. I can't go out, I can't play games, I can't do anything I want. That's why I choose to be dead everyday. Knowing that my condition get worst, I choose to fake my life. I lie to everyone a lots and I lied to myself too. I keep on push myself to be okay everyday and it kills me to know that I'm not okay at all because my life is getting harder.

I know that I don't deserve to be happy. I should realize that for a long times ago. I should just live like an old me. If I was being born again, I want to be born as a rock. I want to be rock. It feels like everyone is kicking you and it doesn't hurt how strong they kick it. Of course, I would wish to forget everything that happen to my life. I also wish that I wouldn't meet anyone in my life, so I wouldn't live like this. Yeah, I know that I'm the sad girl that people know but now, I want people to see me as a cool girl that never care about anything. 

It was tired to being able to live like me because I love people so deeply than myself. I apperciate people too fast because I never felt that. I am too easy for people to get close too. I hate how stupid I am for being that way. I'm so stupid for trusting people too fast. I'm too hardworking for something I shouldn't do. I wasted so many times on the things that I shouldn't waste. My life is kinda panic right?

I want to meet psychiatrist but I'm too scared because I might really sick. I'm too scared to seek for people help because I know they all fake. They will said something that they can't keep and it's gonna hurt me sooner or later. I want people to know that if one day I'm not being able to be alive, it was not because I'm weak, but it because I'm being strong enough but that's the limit. I want to show to people the best version of me but I'm only human. 

Btw, I don't want to wish anything because I know that everyday gonna be the same right? So, please pretend that I'm just nobody and don't make me special. I'm too weak for that.