STRESSFUL LIFE KILLS ME INSIDE
Hey, I am DeadRose again.. The reason why I am DeadRose it was because I do feel dead inside sometimes when I want the time to just stop and never goes on. I wonder why people never give me a reast or peaceful life. I actually feel stress a lots about many things, sometimes about work, family, friends and yeah about my love life too.. It was actually hard than I imagine it would be. It is really freaking hard to pretending that I AM OKAY when I was so depress inside and it kills me many times. You know what.. I just need someone to be my side whenever I have a hard time but why I feel like empty inside when I already have someone in my heart. I am actually feel stupid sometimes like why I put so many effort to being happy infront of him when I am not okay. Why just I can't be honest to him about what I feel... yeah, maybe I scared of broke up because I know that pain long lasting on me and I don't want that to happen.. I wonder if he know that he changed a lots from the first time we fall in love. Everyday is like a happy life to me when in the morning, he give me his morning voice and always reply to me with a lots of love. At the evening or night, we will always video call with each other whenever we miss each other. Everyday, every hours, minute and seconds, he never failed to make me happy. My life gets better with him by my side, I could tell him everything! I could tell him my story, shared my problems and sometimes it is do make me feel better. For so long time, finally I feel like I am not alone and feel loved by people who love me..
BUT
Nowadays... I am having a real hard time and I start to hide many things from him maybe because he never been there when I need him the most or he always late when I need him, so I feel like maybe my problem is not a big deal, so I can through it alone like I always do but.. it was really hard.. freaking hard for me because I keep everything inside too much, so it hurts a lot.. It was more painful when he don't know it and I have to pretending that I am happy everyday, 24 hours.. just because I don't want him to stop loving me.. I just want him to ask me if I am okay or not, I want him to cheer me up when I was feeling down.. I want him to know my hint that I keep give him but yeah.. It feels like, only me was always there for him.. when he feel tired.. when he feel happy.. I want him to know that right now I feel like dying inside, I feel sad, stress, tired of everything that happen to me.. Many things happen to me, my hardwork was being rejected, my superwoman keep push me doing the things I don't like or want to think, my hero keep asking me the useless things when he doesn't even care about it, I want to do my work but I do nothing because I am tired of my surrounding, I have to do my duty and force to eat when I don't feel like want to, I keep hurting myself everywhere because my mind was so blank, my mind was spinning like crazy, my body having no energy to do anything, I can't think of anything and here I am, having no one know what I am tired of. Why this life of me was so stressful.. I also having a real hard time to sleep now because my mind can't stop thinking.. I know some people would say that I am overeacting over a small things but yeah they don't know how it feels to being kills inside.
Sometimes... watch people happy with their family, friends or lover.. do make me feel bitter because I want to know that feels.. I want to know how it feels to have some fun with friends, how it feels to be freedom and can do anything you want. I can't do anything that I like because I'm scared. I lose so many confidence day by day. I downgrade myself, I keep telling myself that I am a bad person. I don't deserve a happiness.. it feels right sometimes... I am not happy right now.. the only things can make me stop thinking or happy was something entertain me in online.. watch video that I like... If I could, I want to do it everyday and everytimes but yeah it was impossible, people keep push me and I am start to get annoying of everything.. Why do I need to being control by people? Why do I need to force myself to do something I don't want at all.. I just want to be freedom.. I keep getting weaker.. I hope that I can sleep and rest forever.
Please wish for me to have a happy life one day... Thank you..
BUT
Nowadays... I am having a real hard time and I start to hide many things from him maybe because he never been there when I need him the most or he always late when I need him, so I feel like maybe my problem is not a big deal, so I can through it alone like I always do but.. it was really hard.. freaking hard for me because I keep everything inside too much, so it hurts a lot.. It was more painful when he don't know it and I have to pretending that I am happy everyday, 24 hours.. just because I don't want him to stop loving me.. I just want him to ask me if I am okay or not, I want him to cheer me up when I was feeling down.. I want him to know my hint that I keep give him but yeah.. It feels like, only me was always there for him.. when he feel tired.. when he feel happy.. I want him to know that right now I feel like dying inside, I feel sad, stress, tired of everything that happen to me.. Many things happen to me, my hardwork was being rejected, my superwoman keep push me doing the things I don't like or want to think, my hero keep asking me the useless things when he doesn't even care about it, I want to do my work but I do nothing because I am tired of my surrounding, I have to do my duty and force to eat when I don't feel like want to, I keep hurting myself everywhere because my mind was so blank, my mind was spinning like crazy, my body having no energy to do anything, I can't think of anything and here I am, having no one know what I am tired of. Why this life of me was so stressful.. I also having a real hard time to sleep now because my mind can't stop thinking.. I know some people would say that I am overeacting over a small things but yeah they don't know how it feels to being kills inside.
Sometimes... watch people happy with their family, friends or lover.. do make me feel bitter because I want to know that feels.. I want to know how it feels to have some fun with friends, how it feels to be freedom and can do anything you want. I can't do anything that I like because I'm scared. I lose so many confidence day by day. I downgrade myself, I keep telling myself that I am a bad person. I don't deserve a happiness.. it feels right sometimes... I am not happy right now.. the only things can make me stop thinking or happy was something entertain me in online.. watch video that I like... If I could, I want to do it everyday and everytimes but yeah it was impossible, people keep push me and I am start to get annoying of everything.. Why do I need to being control by people? Why do I need to force myself to do something I don't want at all.. I just want to be freedom.. I keep getting weaker.. I hope that I can sleep and rest forever.
Please wish for me to have a happy life one day... Thank you..
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