I taught I was okay but I'm not

I actually received my result today and I checked it online. Eveytime I see my result, everything that happen are just automaticly flashback on me... I suddenly remember everything that I have been through for all this sem. For this sem, my result is actually is not what I want and it goes down really bad, it give me a pressure, a really hard pressure... I have been really stress lately because of this things that happen to me. I know that I already done my best and survive alone without anyone help. Actually I taught I was okay after I forget everything that was happen but actually it's not. No people understand it and no one will.. They could say anything they want but they never understand how depress I am for being alone all the time. Where is the love that I can received? Where is the energy that I can get?  Where can I get back my happiness or the happy me?

I don't have a time to have anyone in my life or be in love. If they like or love me, they can if they want but my answer was always not ready yet to be in love because to me, that are a serious matter... Right now, the important things that I have to do is find my confident and be happy... I have to learn to speak the truth to people.

Why I can't hurt their heart when they already hurt mine so bad? It is a crime if I hurt them by speaking the truth? I wonder why I always care about what people say and ignore what I will feel.. Am I really like to be in pain without speaking the truth or tell them what I actually feel? No... I don't to be in a pain anymore.. I hate to think about what people will think about me.. I hate everything that I just think.. It hurt me so freaking bad and that's why I am depressition... I keep everything inside me and not even have a chance to tell the truth..

keep hidden,

keep smilling,

keep being okay all the time..

that's why I don't even think that I have a heart. I rarely feel care about people or what they talk to me. Everything just feel like nothing.. Everything seems like a lie to me.. Everything is just so fake.. that's why it feel empty in here.. yeah, in my heart.. Writing what I feel in this blog feel so good.. at least, I can say whatever I want. I may be like someone so important in people life but the truth is... I just being someone that they can take an advantage on... because I am a top student in everyone eyes.. but being a top student may seems easy to me because they said I am born to be talented but they never know that being a top student was the hardest things in my life..

I have to do everything alone, work hard alone, learning everything alone, go to the class alone, doing my work alone, eating alone, being stress alone.. everything is just alone.... the part that was hardest is I have to survive alone... but that's why I love myself a lots because she never give up on everything she do and she always try her best and show to the people the perfect work that she had done.. She keep on trying eventhough she failed. She is different from other people, that's why being alone is better than having a million friends that never stay beside her.

I know that life is not easy and that's why I have to keep movin.. I have to keep trying.. trying until I success.. I will be success one day, I will prove to the all people out there that I can do this alone without them.. I will try hard, I will push myself.. I will learn many things.. I will love myself.. It's okay if I have to cry.. that's why I am the strongest person ever... and I will always be the strongest, so I'm okay...